Saturday, September 17th 2005
Flight is 40mins. Not getting any sleep. Also gotta freshen up before I see Jan-Kees. Wow, this was a long passport check. Where´s Jan-Kees? He was supposed to pick me up. Just called him, he´s home, he tought we missed eachother. Well, I´ll wait for him. I´m in his appartement which is in a nice neiborhood. I´m glad to be here but very tired. I like him very much and I´m scared to be too much of a hassel. He takes good care of me (feels really good) but he doesn´t have too. We kissed alot and sleeped on the couch, feels good to be in his arms. OK! We´re going to his mom´s house tonight. I think it a bit soon to meet his mom and as I don´t speak or understand Dutch, I don´t know what he told his mum about me or whom I am to him. Who am I to him? Well at lease, I´ll get some home cooked meal. His mom is sweet. She made a salad with fries. Can´t go to the Nederlands without eating fries. He´s like a 37 year old mama´s boy. He goes to his mom to do laundry. So cute and funny at the same time. Mama´s boy!! It felt a bit weird being there and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Didn´t know what to say, hard to get into a conversation when they´re speaking dutch. Ah well, that´s life! Feels good to be back to his appartment. He´s soo sweet and nice to me. His being older is obvious and a bit akward as well. It doesn´t bother me but it´s slightly weird. I love being in his arms. There´s a little kid inside of him still and it makes his charm.
Sunday, september 18th 2005
God I love kissing him! I just can´t resist. I´m next to him and all I want to do is kiss him. His sister´s bringing one of her kids to babysit this afternoon. We strooled around the neiborhood looking at houseboats along the canal. Jody (his nefew) doesn´t speak english. He´s a good kid. We brought him to a park with animals (roosters, chickens, ponys, rabits, goats, etc.) and kidy rides. He´s done a couple of rides as Jan-Kees and I watched. I don´t really know how to act with him. I don´t want to be all over him or make him uncomfortable in any way so I just let him do the first move. God this "relationship" crap is complicated, can´t be yourself anymore or he´ll freak out. I´m starting to feel like Bridget Jones a chubby spinster, unorganized dating a welloff lawyer. We are sooo different but yet we´re attracted to eachother. Well, I got to eat some Netherlands traditional junk food (fries, kroket and frikandel), it was good.
Monday, september 19th 2005
Jan-Kees is working today, I´ll do some groceries and cook dinner for when he gets back. I called Isabelle and spoke with my mum. It was nice! I bought a SIM card as well which makes me reachable. I walked around for a couple of hours. Just saw a carrige pulled by horses carrying tunels of Heineken beer driven by man dressed in traditionnal clothes. There´s a side walk sale but there´s notting for me to buy (can´t afford to buy anything). I feel Jan-Kees is alwready fed up of me. He seems to be thinking all the time. He´s taking care of me too much and he´ll soon get tired of it. I don´t need to be taken care of that much (tho I appreciate and like it). I almost feel like I´m his daughter he´s trying to make up with all those years we haven´t seen eachother. That would be incest! Ewwwwwwww!!! I think I should put some physical distances as I think I´m starting to get on his nerves. God! relationships are so complicated. What ever happened to happily ever after!?! Cooked some poutine, that was nice! Got a dutch music class. He alwready seems to be fed up of me. Did I write this before? Ah well, whatever!
Tuesday, september 20th 2005
I have to figure out what I´m going to do soon as I think my welcome is wearing thin. I´ll have to leave really soon. I was thinking about getting a job here in Amsterdam but it would be a bad idea. I watched the Queen on TV and ate some lasagna I bought at the market yesterday. I think I´m starting to develop feelings for Jan-Kees and that´s a bad idea. To him, I´m just a kid he enjoys having sex with and thinking anything more would take me into great deception. I like him very much but he only likes my body (or just having sex with it). I don´t mean anything else to him, obviously. I guess I don´t mind it, I´m starting to get use to that. I don´t have what it takes for men to fall in love with, it´s always just infatuation.
It´s 4:30pm and I haven´t left the appartment, I should go out as it is a beautifull day today. Attempt one to get to the Van Gogh museum - Failled! I didn´t get lost, I just got there 10mins after the box office closed. On my way there, I saw a shop that sells rollerskates, rollerblades as well but I´ve been looking for rollerskates for a long time. I´ll go back another day to see how much they are and if I can treat myself to them. I feel ashamed to not have a dutch phtase book with me I never go to another country and start a conversation with "Do you speak english?" I always start with something in their own language. I´m sitting in a "park" between a couple of museums. I think I´ll just take a stroll. Just crossed somekind of an open mall and got myself into an area filled with restaurants and stores. There´s loads of panels along the streets with light bulbs around them, a statement of the amount of light it produces when dark.
Jan-Kees just text me, he got home and I´m obviously not there. It´s 15 past 6 and we´re goin to see a swing band tonight (8pm). It´s happening in a Diner about 20mins from Amsterdam. It´s so nice of him to take me there. He´s been doing so much for me, it´s starting to be overswelming. I can´t shake that feeling that he pitties me and that´s awfull. Got to the Diner, ate basterdized american junk food and got ot the "club". This band had 15 musicians and most important of all, I got to swing dance. I haven´t felt so good in awhile. This girl came up to me and introduced me to a couple of dancers, it was very nice of her. This was a good night, wish I could´ve stayed untill the end as I usually do but I couldn´t let Jan-Kees endure this too long and he wanted to leave.
Leave we did, a most desastres night was to come. I never do learn don´t I? Why don´t I just shut up?! Jan-Kees is one of the most unusual creature I´ve ever meet. He, for some reason seem to care, which I don´t understand. Really! There are people who cares about me but not at that extent. It´s just so bizard! I´m the type of person people just want to have fun with untill they´ve had what they wanted out of me or they´re just plain fed up. And I, like an idiote opened my mouth about my feelings and hurt him at the same time, obviously. I didn´t think he cared about me that much. I really am a F·"$&%ing idiote! Why do I open my mouth? Could someone strangle me, please? Really! Hurting him is the las thing I´d want to do, I like him too much. This is a sign I´ve got to go ASAP:
